Anxiety

I like plans.  I like when plans work and come to fruition.  I am NOT a fan of when plans change.  Even little things.  All these years, I had always thought of myself as laid-back and easy-going until I realized that I, in fact, was neither.  When had I become so uptight?  What had happened to me?  I don't think there was a single occurrence that caused my anxiety but rather a lot of changed plans that built up anxious feelings until I felt like I just couldn't take it. 

Starting about 3 years ago, I noticed that I get really bad anxiety, though it should be noted that I have not tried to seek out professional or medical help.  I never thought I had a problem with it until I had a bit of a nervous breakdown, complete with a drastic haircut that looked AWFUL, in the spring semester of my senior year at college.  My classes were super stressful with tests, busy work, and group projects being thrown at me left and right.  My position on the executive team for a student organization required much more free time than I had anticipated.  I'd just found out about my spine problems and was freaking out about it.  My grandfather died.  I was dealing with a less than stellar score on the GMAT...caused by a lack of studying...caused by a lack of direction...because I just had no clue what the future held for me or what I even wanted.  To be concise, I was overwhelmed, and that's an understatement.  I wasn't used to being overwhelmed.  I had always been an honor student and able to balance activities, but this time was different.  Even thinking about that time period causes my chest to get a little tight because it was such an uncomfortable few months for me.  I was just trying to graduate.  That was the goal.  And, it was a goal that I achieved.  But, then came the questions of, "Now what?"  Unfortunately, I'm still kind of in that stage of my life. 

But, it is no longer a stage that I fear.  It's been a time of self-discovery, of learning who I really am, and of trying to grow my hair LONG--how I like it :).  I'll admit that I still have plenty of work to do, and I still have my anxious moments when I feel really overwhelmed by certain situations.  If I'm somewhere really loud where there are a lot of different TVs on or a lot of different loud conversations, I can't concentrate on anything and get panicky.  If you've ever seen me in a public situation where I look like I'd rather be ANYWHERE else, now you know what's to blame.  I'm trying to figure out what I'm comfortable with and how to deal with what I'm not.  It's a process.  And, there's a difference in my approach to the future between now and a few years ago.  Now, I have hope for endless opportunities, and I'm so excited to see what the future holds for me.  I feel like I'm on a journey to happiness, and I could not be more thankful.